Change.

Change. It's fascinating to me how the simplest things can have such a huge impact on my life. The word change is so powerful. Change is hard. I think we can all agree on that, and if you don't, then you haven't changed a day in your life. I've been changing my whole life, but the greatest change of all was the way I think. All my life, I've been imprisoned. That was a hard pill to swallow. I'm crying while writing this because I think I just broke a generational trauma. I've been carrying everyone's pain around and wearing it as if it were my own, until I became pain. You really can’t truly see your parents until you see them as individuals who’ve also been hurt.

I was a reflection of my environment. I'm surrounded by broken people. I was raised by a broken village, so I am broken. How can I be whole? I can't. I truly believe the only thing that kept me sane was …is a poem called "Unhurt" by Aja Monet. It's about the hurt that's been carried down by generations. It's about understanding that I'm not special for feeling hurt. They say to truly live is to suffer, and to truly love is to be vulnerable. I have no fear of suffering because I know I'm already suffering. I was suffering the day I came out of the womb.

I want to love. I want to love many things. I want to love people. I want to be vulnerable. I also know that my job is to protect myself, because not everyone deserves my love, but I do believe everyone deserves love. The love that Bell Hooks talks about.

I was hurting because my brain, mind, and body failed me. The mental, the emotional, and the physical… are no longer working the way they should. "Female intuition" isn't a thing; it's trauma taught to us. Every "close your legs," "go change," "you're too fast," "sit properly." My brain remembers and saves that information. My brain knows when something is off before I do, but I always “have this feeling”. Intuition is rooted in calm, objective observation. Trauma is rooted in fear, anxiety, and a feeling of being unsafe.

Change is difficult, especially when you realize change within doesn't change you. It just means changing your actions and reactions.

My professor said something in class that left me in awe. It was the simplest thing, but it just clicked. He said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that things have to be bad, or go bad, for things to change. You can think of this as pain. In order for someone to change things, they have to truly hurt. Like a profound wound.

Think about the Civil Rights Movement. The change that came from it wasn't because everything was fine. It was because the pain of injustice, segregation, and violence was undeniable. Images of police dogs and fire hoses being used on peaceful protestors were televised, and it was so shocking, so painful to see, that it forced the whole country to look at itself. That hurt created the pressure needed to change laws and policies that had been around for a century. When things get bad, when people are doing bad things, it means there's room to change. Changing policies and laws that affect people's lives means something. The real change is internal. Before a revolution can happen on the streets, it has to happen in a person's mind. I want you, the reader, to think about this, especially regarding our current events.