The Uncomfortable Truth: Becoming What We Fear
Have you ever noticed that the very things we desperately don't want to become, we somehow end up becoming? I swore, "Not in my entire life will I ever beg for love." Fast-forward to adulthood, and there I was, caught up in a relationship, doing exactly what I swore I never would. I was begging to be loved, and the worst part? I didn't even notice I was doing it. I’m not ashamed to say that. I know my worth, and honestly, admitting that out loud feels like a superpower.
Why We Re-enact the Pain
Sigmund Freud (He was an Austrian neurologist who founded psychoanalysis) had this whole theory about why this happens. He called it the "repetition compulsion," and it’s basically our brain desperately trying to master past trauma. It's like our subconscious is saying, "Okay, if I re-enact this painful thing, maybe this time, with my adult resources, I can control the ending." Freud saw it with his patients all the time. They’d want to be happy, but they’d keep gravitating toward situations that mirrored their past pain. Why would anyone seek out distress? It’s all about patterns. If chaos or inconsistency was the norm for you growing up, then a calm, stable relationship can actually feel weird….even threatening. Your brain would rather stick with the "known devil" of past patterns than the "unknown angel" of healthy connection. If you were powerless in a past traumatic event, your unconscious will set up a similar scenario in the present, hoping you can finally change the outcome.
The Self-Sabotage Logic
This reminds me of an artist named Duckwrth. He talked about this brilliantly on the Shan Boodram podcast, Lovers & Friends, and in his album, All American F*ckBoy. He said he never wanted to be like his dad, who hurt his mom by cheating and lusting after other women. And guess what? He became the very thing he feared. That album is amazing, beautifully written, and painfully relatable. It’s also why we remember every embarrassing moment but struggle to recall as many happy ones. Our brains are wired for survival. They need to master the threats, not the good times. So, they lock in on the trauma or saddle you with unhealthy coping mechanisms that are supposed to protect you, but they actually just hold you back.
If you start looking at your "bad" behaviors as your brain’s attempts to keep you safe, everything suddenly clicks. Take someone who lashes out because they’re terrified of rejection. On the surface, it seems insane. But when you dig into it, you see the crazy logic: "I don't want to feel rejected, so I’ll push you away. Either you'll reassure me, or you’ll leave, and I can be like, 'See? I knew this wouldn't work anyway.'" It's self-sabotage. Or consider someone who never truly invests in a relationship, convinced that if they give nothing, they lose nothing. Deep down, though, they’re starving for connection.
The Path to Safety
So, if you find yourself standing in the middle of a mess you swore you’d never make, give yourself some grace. Your brain wasn't trying to ruin your life; it was trying to protect a younger version of you that didn't know any better. But you’re safe now. You have the "adult resources" Freud talked about. You don’t have to keep re-enacting the script of your ancestors or your childhood. You can put the pen down, thank your survival instincts for getting you this far, and finally decide that you deserve a love you don't have to audit, earn, or beg for.
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